<333 Remember when i told you everything was lovely? I lied.

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-05-11T18:49:00

2006-05-11T23:52:59Z

A LOT OF THIS IS GOING TO BE FRIENDS ONLY.
BECAUSE I HATE:
BITCHES.
HOS.[you know]
&
PROBABLY YOU.

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-04-30T00:12:00

2006-04-30T05:13:48Z

i love the matches.
yup.
art is meant to be seen
not felt
not heard
it's just paint
they're just words
and fingers are for feeling
fists are for beating
scabs are for healing
and blood is for bleeding

according to health class i'm very stressed.
i agree a lot.
hopefully everything will go well at the hospital on monday and everything after that.
i don't have to work all week.
and probably won't have to a lot anymore.
it's good but bad because i need the money.
life's getting to me.
and i keep thinking about things that happened this year and i still don't know how to cope.
but some people have helped, mostly just jonathan.
thank you for everything. i love you with all my heart.
even though i'm stressed i have hope and i'm happy.
sometime this year things have to start looking up for me.
:)

i want to sleep.

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-04-23T22:40:00

2006-04-24T03:42:53Z

spring break was great.
i spent everyday with my jonathan.
and other people here and there.
:)
i like it a lot.
i only have to work wednesday this week. i'm glad.

tomorrow i haven't smoked pot in three years.
& tuesday is four months. <3
that boy is amazing.
i love him.
:D

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-04-16T00:39:00

2006-04-16T05:45:52Z

it's days like today that i wouldn't want to be with anyone else or be anywhere else.
spring break is amazing so far.
i cannot wait for summer. it's going to be great no matter what.
i don't like the hot weather too much.
but as long as i have jonathan it will be good.
i love you.

i don't know.
i'm just in a good mood.
:D

happy easter tomorrow.

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-04-01T10:11:00

2006-04-01T16:12:54Z

i'm really happy that it's the weekend.
& that i don't have to work.
i dropped my cellphone in the toilet at janas last night.
she got it out but it doesn't work.
hahaha.
today is going to be amazing.
& tomorrow.

sometimes i'm really happy.
i love jonathan.
:)

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-03-27T21:24:00

2006-03-28T03:24:31Z

alright kids.
here i go.

i don't think it's cool to find out from a friend that a couple of my friends were talking about how i only care about my well being and jon. if you honestly think that then fine. i've been going through a lot of shit and jon was the only one that was there for me.-not making up excuses-i know that it's equally my fault. a lot of us are going through the same situations. we're all getting into or in pretty serious relationships. i guess i dont freak out about it because it's all a part of growing up. in my eyes anyways. but just remember, i never say things about each of you doing your own things.

happy [late] birthday to samantha aka niggy piggy.
i miss you.
& i hope everything is going wonderful for you.
♥

i hate myspace. i really do. i think it's good for keeping in touch with REAL friends and music. that's all. i'm sorry. maybe i'm an asshole but i think it's a waste of time to have an online relationship with somebody. if people weren't so lazy they'd go out and make friends. i don't know. the whole thing is upsetting me a lot lately. and the fact that girls are just fucking whores. but hey, boys enjoy that right. no wonder racine has an increase of stds among teenagers 15-19. it's really sad. maybe because i'm a jealous person i hate it too.

well.
i hope everyone has a wonderful week.
and a great weekend.
if you want to hang out, call.

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-03-25T01:12:00

2006-03-26T07:12:56Z

three
months

every word seems to rhyme

2006-03-24T04:30:41Z

i don't know what i want to do with anything anymore.
i lost interest in silk screening. i don't like any classes but health.
i did get a 3.0 this quarter, somehow. but i did fail trig.
i don't care about college.

people are so fucking stupid.
die.
for all i care.
SLUT

i cannot wait for spring break.
it's going to be amazing.
i need a break from school.

things have been changing a lot lately.
i'm real happy for my cousin. she's amazing. and i know she can raise a kid.
i found out i have a 17 year old boy cousin but i haven't met him yet.
i'm going to start drama in my family.
i get a raise at work in june, and possibly the day shift in the summer.
i tried to visit josh's grave. i still can't deal with that.
i can't deal with a lot of things lately.
i'm becoming better friends with old friends.
jon and me are amazing.
i love you. :)

i'm happy that i'm with him.
i don't care what anyone else has to say.
i like how people are trying to start shit between us.
but it doesn't matter.
because we love eachother.

don't take things for granted.

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-03-08T21:55:00

2006-03-09T03:55:59Z

this past week a few people have made me dislike the human race even more than normal.

i love it when people hate me and they don't know me. and when they say they'll keep my name out of their mouths. there are so many things i could say. but i'll hold my tongue.

no one's better than anyone else. so stop acting like it.

i'm tired of this bullshit.

i cannot wait for summer. it's so soon. but not soon enough.

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-02-28T17:31:00

2006-03-05T23:31:46Z

i don't know if it's better to keep things bottled up, or say things that might start fights.
[EDIT]
it's definitely better to keep things bottled up.

somehow someone teach me to accept that things won't be perfect, or the way that i want them to be at least.

this weekend went by way to fast.

:(

REAL FUCKING UPSET.

2006-02-27T23:40:24Z

I'M AN ANGRY PERSON.
I'M A BITCH.
what happened to me being the extreme of those? i thought i wanted to be like this. then i remembered it was because of my heart[chest wall cavity bullshit].
I'M REAL UPSET RIGHT NOW, FOR THE STUPIDEST REASONS.
1. I DON'T GET PISSED OFF ANYMORE.
2. I CAN SAY THAT THERE IS ONE PERSON IN THIS WORLD THAT I DETEST. FOR BEING SELFISH, INCONSIDERATE, HORRIBLE, DISGUSTING, DISRESPECTFUL, A BITCH AND A WHORE.
3. MY PARENTS ARE THROWING AWAY SOME OF MY GREAT GRANDMAS SHIT.
4. " " YELLED AT ME FOR COMING HOME TO EAT DINNER.
5. I WANT TO GO VISIT MY OTHER GREAT GRANDMA'S GRAVE BUT MY UNCLES A DICK HEAD.
6. I WANT TO VISIT JOSH'S GRAVE BUT I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHERE IT IS.
7. I HAVE NO ONE TO GO WANDER AROUND A CEMETARY TO LOOK FOR IT RIGHT NOW.
8. THAT I JUST WROTE ALL THIS.

if you read that, thanks for listening to me rant.
but it was just for me to rant, not really to share.
[i feel a million times better after that & i'm smiling]

ERASE MY PRESENCE- EVACUATE

2006-02-23T22:17:05Z

so tuesday, i'm feeling fine and whatever.
45 minutes into work my stomach is killing me.
jon brought me flowers :].
it was cute.
i left work early at 730.
came home and puked all night.
i'm going to be so behind in school.
not that i wasn't already.

i cannot decide if tomorrow is going to be good or bad.
probably both.
i just don't want to deal with what i'm going to have to.

i'm starving but i'm scared to eat.
i hate being sick.

i complain a whole lot.
hah.

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-02-17T19:12:00

2006-02-20T01:12:44Z

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-02-16T00:07:00

2006-02-18T06:14:17Z

this past week has been good & stressful.
i don't know.
i really don't have anything to write about.
i'm really sick of work, and they scheduled me a lot for next week.
i'm tired of having to do everyone's shit.
midquarter is next week.
hahaha.
i still don't care & i don't think i'm going to.

it's freezing outside.
-3 or something.

i've either been really sad, or happy lately.
i kind of like the mix of the two.
i'd rather be both, than not happy at all.
i'm really tired, so this probably won't make sense.

valentines day came and went.
i just figured i'd say how much i love all my friends.
and i love jon a lot. :]

turtles are hard work.
psh.
hah.

yeah, i need to sleep.

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-02-13T23:06:00

2006-02-14T05:06:43Z

=)
everything's gunna be alright.
tomorrow is valentine's day.
i'm happy.
♥

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-02-10T00:26:00

2006-02-12T06:30:02Z

i had a good day.
i love working the morning shift at work, you have no idea.
dougs birthday party was great.
i forgot how fun it is to just be stupid.
i'm glad i went.
i love being with jon.
and sleeping :).
someday things will be perfect.

i'm sick of everyone's bullshit.
i don't care anymore.
you're just that stupid.

friday was a good night too.
:)

i'm in a real nice mood.

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-01-30T21:07:00

2006-01-31T03:11:41Z

i don't like being sick at all.
but i like missing school.
i wanted to die my stomach hurt so bad last night.
oh well.

i still have homework to do.
but i don't care.

i had mostly a good weekend.
except all the fighting.

i think things are going to get better for me. i'm being optimistic. :) i like sunny weather.

i love jon :).
i mean him.
hah.

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-01-20T23:25:00

2006-01-21T05:28:53Z

everything happens for a reason.
and i'm just going to keep telling myself that.

this shit is only going to make me stronger.
but i dont understand why its happening.

2006 has been quite a year so far.
getting busted at a party.
5 real depressing days.
death.
car accident.
license probably gone.

but i have one thing to keep me going.
he's amazing and i love him.

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-01-19T16:27:00

2006-01-19T22:28:14Z

it would bother me a lot more if i wasn't so emotionally drained.

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-01-15T22:29:00

2006-01-16T04:29:58Z

this
isn't
happening
.

notetoselfxfftl @ 2006-01-07T23:23:00

2006-01-08T05:28:48Z

i hate myself more than i ever let on

i spent $430 dollars today.
on crap i don't need.
it didn't make me happy in the least.

i fuck up too much.
that's going to be the story of my life.
i probably won't even be able to die right.

i don't know.
i love zachariah.
because even if he doesn't agree with me, he's there for me.
and that's what i need.
♥

& i love poppa.

2006.

2006-01-01T08:50:36Z

it's officially 2006. and it's starting off terrible.
i'm sure you've all heard by now.
so i wont go into detail.
but the new year was good for about an hour.
all cute and stuff.
then the cops came.
as we were fucking walking out.

ridiculous.
too many people are in trouble.
i don't think anyone walked out without a ticket.

this is sad.
and i miss him.
already.

♥

end of the year

2005-12-31T04:19:20Z

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? a lot of things. beach parties. driving all night. love. ahh. so many things.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? For once i actually kept them. And i plan on making more.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Every year.
5. What countries did you visit? haha.
6. What would you like to have had in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? i'm lost.
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? april 5: my birthday; may 24: license; the entire summer;friends/parties; christmas; he asked me out.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? i don't know. probably getting my license.
9. What was your biggest failure? car accidents, fucking up with friends.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? colds and stuff. no big injuries.
11. What was the best thing you bought? my first truck =(.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? definitely stephanie and samantha. and a few others
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? i don't want to talk about it; she knows.
14. Where did most of your money go? friends=food & gas
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? summer.
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2005? the mando diao cd, the tape, rap.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? at this moment happier. last night sadder.
ii. thinner or fatter? fatty.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? sledding. school work. more time with friends.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? work
20. How will you be spending Christmas? i did. at my house. my aunts. and jons.
22. Did you fall in love in 2005? i suppose you could say that.=D
23. How many one-night stands? never.
24. What was your favourite TV program? greys anatomy
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? i don't hate that many people.
26. What was the best book you read? there were a few.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? refused.
28. What did you want and get? a boy.
29. What did you want and not get? ---
30. What was your favourite film of this year? no idea.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i turned 16. and i'm pretty sure i sat at home on that day.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? not fucking up so much.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? levis and a tee shirt.
34. What kept you sane? friends & whatever else.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? don't care.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? i don't like paying attention to politics.
37. Who did you miss? so many people. but i miss seeing zach =(.
38. Who was the best new person you met? i met so many great people.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: sometimes you just have to go for it; forgiveness; girls will never understand boys.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
everybody would waste it all
to have a summer that they could call
memory that's full of fun
fucked up when it's all done

did you miss the connection?

2005-12-29T06:06:55Z

christmas was good.
christmas day/night made me very happy :).
♥

i've been ridiculous lately.
not in the good way most of the time.

break hasn't been too exciting.
i think last night was the most so far.
sleeping pills definitely suck.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KARLI!♥

i want to see zach so bad.
but we'll all get through this.
and by "we'll" i mean
him with the group backing him up.
i love gummy bear.

i'm real stressed.
too much homework
not enough free time.

notetoselfxfftl @ 2005-12-23T13:22:00

2005-12-23T19:22:39Z

Every day seems the same to me.
I sit around and think about how alone I feel.
Then I wind up rather enjoying loneliness because it's the comfort of being sad-
sometimes it feels so right.
& sometimes I'd like to be around no one for ten straight years.
But I know this feeling can't bring me places.
& I know I'm losing lots of ground.
But to keep up means to get up and why does it have to be.
The world keeps on changing while I just stay the same?
I feel like being down doesn't mean enough to anyone anymore.
& I guess the world has made emotion obsolete.
& I don't think I feel the same 'cause after all,
who says what happy really means?
Tonight I will redefine everything and tomorrow I will start in on my better days.
& so each their own definition of happiness.
But no one ever reaches it so I don't think I'll breathe that way.
But happiness is when there's nowhere left to go.
Because in that state of mind there is no state of self,
so how was I supposed to know?

why is that amazing?